The Stephen King Marathon – Different Seasons Pt 1 – Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption

Chatty non-supernatural King showcasing the depth of the human condition? Yes please!

I had to split this one up because the four novellas are too much their own tales. With a fitting title because these stories are very different from King’s regulation in the 80s. 

Shawshank in particular is a rarity in his library because it kind of has a happy ending. I mean, the characters have to go through (literal) shit to get there, but knowing that Andy and Red get to live their lives together as free men on the beach makes me happy. Usually at the end of a King story I’m all ‘ohhhhh shit!’ and this time I finished with a smile.

I love how the tale is told from Red’s perspective too, as he’s writing his memoir of Being in prison with Andy. It gives it a chatty opinionated style while still giving the story depth through Red’s descriptive eyes.

And even though I knew how it ended (who doesn’t?) it was still a suspenseful ride for Andy. All tied up with the uplifting message that if you persevere and work hard enough you will be rewarded. Even though most human beings are terrible and will try to stop you at every turn… less uplifting, but let’s take the good over the bad!

For the Dark Tower Fans: Nothing really here from what I could tell.

Fear Factor: The only scary thing here is the terrifying thought that you could have enough bad luck to end up wrongly imprisoned for a crime you didn’t commit. 


Siri is my Storyteller

I talked about not having a lot of time to read novels once my high needs darling was born, and I wasn’t lying. Over the past two years, I’ve managed to squeeze some extra time out of my #momlife but that’s usually spent catching up on housework or sleep. And if I get some downtime because she actually falls into an uninterrupted sleep early enough, I feel like I have to use that time to be productive, so it’s writing or crochet time.

Both of which I love, don’t get me wrong, but it’s fucked up that in our culture most moms don’t feel productive when doing something just for the sake of enjoyment. I legit would feel guilty sitting and reading a book instead of doing something that’s furthering my career or taking care of my family. But that’s a whole other thing.

Anyway, I thought about turning to audiobooks so that I could layer my reading enjoyment over cleaning or driving, of which I do a lot of. But of course those cost money. Then I found out that a little known setting in the accessibility options of my iPhone would speak highlighted sentences. This was a revelation to me.

I was deep into at this point, and it took awhile to get used to Siri’s robotic drawl describing Draco’s chiseled chest and husky voice, let alone sex scenes. I even looked up the infamous My Immortal and giggled over Siri attempting to pronounce everything. 

The next revelation happened after an iOS update that allowed me to swipe from the top of my screen with two fingers and Siri would read what was on the screen, even multiple pages in apps like Kindle, iBooks or Wattpad. I could even pause! This opened up a whole new world of multitasking for me.

My friends and husband think her voice is too ridiculous to pay attention to the story but it really didn’t take me long to get used to it. And now I can devour a novel in two or three days while still getting things done, or during travel time. Which let me tell you, Siri’s monotony is great for lulling a cranky toddler in the backseat to sleep!

I should be telling you to make time for yourself to sit and relax and enjoy a book. But if you’re like me and will completely ignore that advice, know that this is an option to fit reading into your busy life. 


The Stephen King Marathon – The Gunslinger

And we arrive at one of the greatest novels of all time, my friends. The novel that started the actual greatest series of all time. And don’t argue with me, for I am rabid.


I haven’t read this book in a while. I kind of dropped off the face of the planet two years ago upon giving birth to my daughter, and was suddenly thrust into newborn hell. I spent so much time in the dark that I could only read on my phone, and so wasn’t able to pick up a paper book for some time. I started The Gunslinger the day before she was born, and picked it back up off of my dresser two weeks ago.

If you’re like me, and read too many things all the time, you understand how my brain just doesn’t hold onto the details of novels for very long. And regardless of how many times I have read this book, every time is like the first time again. Stephen King, you make me feel like a virgin.

Also, being a parent now, the whole dynamic between Roland and Jake hits totally different places now. Roland’s betrayal is just… ugh. It was so much more heartbreaking for me.

I’d also forgotten how intense the final conversation was between him and the man in black! The whole speculation about how the universe could just be inside of an atom on a blade of grass within another universe, and when the lawn gets mowed our universe starts to distort and fall apart. For us it’s been millennia, but that blade of grass has only been alive for one season. I had Siri reading that part to me while I was driving and I almost had to pull over. It was almost like vertigo, that feeling of being so small and insignificant, and what if our universe did suddenly just get mowed through? It hurts my brain to even begin to think about it.

This is what King does to us, constant readers. And I love him for it.

For the Dark Tower Fans: Seeing as this is a Dark Tower book, this is pretty useless. I could have omitted it, but I didn’t, so ha.

Fear Factor: While this book isn’t overall scary, it does have some bits that chilled me. The oracle, the slow muties, and the whole first bit of Walter’s LET THERE BE LIGHT stuff.


Can we chat for a second about the Dark Tower movie? I really liked it, it was pretty fucking cool. But I had to pretty much pretend that nothing I ever knew about the Dark Tower story existed. I know that this is a sequel as opposed to a retelling, but so much was simplified (which I get, you can only do so much in a movie’s runtime).

Loved: All the little nods to King’s work (especially calling psychic abilities ‘the Shine’, thank you!), Idris Elba, the GUNPLAY LAWD THE GUNPLAY, and Walter being just a total badass sorcerer with Q-like abilities.

Didn’t Love so Much: Did we have to repeat the ‘Face of my father’ speech three times? Definitely lost it’s impact the third time. Seeing it in the trailer gave me chills with it’s awesomeness, but three times was just killed it. Matthew McConaughey was an amazing badass sorcerer fucking shit up all over the place, but he was not Walter to me. He was very close, and he did a great job, but I didn’t buy him as Walter. I was looking for Randall Flagg, and I got Marten. And Jake just happily running off into the sunset with Roland at the end. I guess it means that this time around, Roland isn’t going to choose the tower over everyone he loves? I mean it wouldn’t make sense anyway because in the movie he’s not obsessed with the tower, it’s just kinda there so that Walter has something to destroy to keep the monsters out (because that’s a thing in the movie).

I don’t know. I want there to be more, because I am selfish and I love anything that has anything to do with Stephen King, no matter how loosely adapted. And there were rumours of a Wizard and Glass miniseries that was going to be an accurate adaptation of the whole Susan backstory. Which PLEASE yes. Anyway. This was much longer than a second. <\rant>


The Stephen King Marathon – The Running Man

This is another of the Bachman books, and one that I was crazy excited to reread.
runningman1I remember thinking of the Running Man when I read the Hunger Games for the first time, and upon this reread I wondered if Suzanne Collins was inspired by this book when she came up with the idea. It definitely feels like the Hunger Games could have been an homage to the Running Man.

I read this book in only four sessions, it’s so intense and fast paced. Right from the get go, stuff is happening, and in typical Bachman style, it’s pretty fucked up. Dystopian future, televised game shows that pretty much guarantee death, and an Orwell-esque government. There’s something wonderful about a character living in poverty totally sticking it to the man by playing the man’s game but playing it their own way.

I honestly can’t sing enough praises for this book. It is fucking fantastic. I kind of want to watch the movie now, although I really just don’t understand how they figured Arnold Schwarzenegger was a good fit for Richards. I was picturing somebody more… I don’t know, not Arnold-y.

For The Dark Tower Fans: Nothing really, except for King’s beautiful writing.

Fear Factor: This book isn’t all that scary, unless you start to think about what it would be like if our world ended up like the one in the book. If killing people on live television was a thing, and humanity just ate it all up. It’s really fucked up to think about. That’s what King does as Bachman, though, he really makes the reader examine the human condition, and how deep our depravity can go.


The Stephen King Marathon – Cujo

I apparently had forgotten a lot about this book. I read it originally when I was a teenager, and all I remembered was a woman and her kid trapped in a car with a mean dog outside. There is so much more.


This book is fucking awesome. It had been so long since I’d read it. I look at his newer stuff like Under The Dome, and am so in awe of his ability to make a small town’s inhabitants so interesting. I was amazed to read something from so long ago in which he does the same thing, showing that he was gifted in this skill from the get go. Most of the book takes place in the lives of two couples, each with a child and a massive set of baggage and troubles. It’s so immersive and interesting, even though there doesn’t seem to be a lot going on. And because Cujo gets rabies right at the beginning and it slowly sets in over the course of the story, I found the dread and anticipation just building up in me. It is an intense ride.

I especially love the way that King writes from the point of view of the dog himself. He’s very good at vocalizing how I would imagine the thought process of a dog would be. I really felt the madness setting in, and found myself feeling badly for what Cujo was going through. On the flip side of that, now that I have a child, I was absolutely panicked at the thought of being stuck in a car in the heat of summer trying to protect my kid from a rabid St. Bernard. It was an intense ride.

Aside from the amazing writing and the masterful tale spinning, it wouldn’t be a King novel without some hint at the supernatural. As much as this is a very real story, with actual relationship issues and a normal real world disease on the dog, he manages to inject a little bit of creepy mystical shit. The kid sees a monster in the closet and it turns out that it’s the dog, and the father has dreams that point towards where they are, it’s just that little bit of signature King that ties the book together in a neat little spooky bow.

Love. So classic and awesome.


For the Dark Tower Fans: There wasn’t anything that jumped out at me here, but I did happen to read an article that pointed out that Song of Susannah takes place in Bridgton, Maine, where this book also takes place. So there is that.

Fear Factor: While this book didn’t have me sleeping with one eye open, it was definitely suspenseful. I was invested in the characters at the beginning, but once I got to the part in the car, there was no putting the book down. Heart racing, goosebumps, just wholly in that car with Tad and Donna.


The Stephen King Marathon – Danse Macabre

Ok, so full disclosure. I didn’t finish this book. Aside from the fact that I was in the middle of newborn hell and was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, it just wasn’t holding my attention well enough. It’s non-fiction, and I usually love reading about what Stephen King’s thoughts on writing are, but in my desperate cross-eyed nighttime feeding state I needed something super absorbing. I tried for awhile, but just couldn’t do it. So this post is a placeholder for when I come back to it.

I just needed some good storytelling, because I ate through Cujo and The Running Man within a week and a half. So yeah. I’ll come back to this later.


Sliming Through The Wetlands – Chapter Fourteen

I’m running out of good verbs for these titles. Only a few more left to go, though. Are you excited? You should be. This is the chapter where Helen masturbates under her hospital bed.


When we join Helen, she’s laying in her hospital bed mid sex fantasy about Robin.

I lick each vertebrae all the way back down. To his butt crack.

Yes, this is where it’s going. I have to be totally honest, it’s an extremely well written scene.

My left hand makes its way underneath to his cock. It’s so hard it’s like a stone column wrapped in warm skin.

It’s hard to find anything that Helen does or wants to do remotely sexy, however. I applaud that description because it’s perfect and unique, but while in Helen’s head it’s completely impossible for me to get in the mood.

He’s a pig, this Robin.

Um. You’re the one fantasizing about eating his ass, Helen. Not judging, some people are into that. Just maybe a little pot/kettle here.

A knock at the door. With my luck it’ll be Robin and he’ll instantly figure out what I was just picturing. Nope. A female nurse. She asks whether I’ve had a bowel movement.

“No, have you?”

The nurse gives a pained smile and leaves.


Helen decides to go pee, and while she’s up and about, get some mineral water for her avocadoes.

I waddle to the washroom, lift my hospital gown and piss standing up, just the way an ass patient is supposed to. No need to flush. Nobody else is going to use it but me. Drives hygiene-freaks nuts.

Or just people that don’t want to smell old piss.

She fills a glass from the tap and thinks about how her dad taught her about surface tension in water, meaning you can fill a glass above the rim and it won’t overflow. She can’t remember the exact details, and is happy that she’ll have something to talk to him about when he visits, to avoid any long silences.

I drink the entire glass in one go. Nice change. Still water instead of sparkling.

I don’t really know much about Germany and their sparkling water, but I know that Hungarians are absolutely batshit crazy for it. The older Hungarians in my family that were born overseas are obsessed with Club Soda. One of my friends went over to Hungary for work for a couple of months and said that there is like no such thing as regular water over there. Every glass of water is carbonated, unless you specifically ask for tap water. I personally fucking hate sparkling water, so it’s a bit of a culture shock to me to imagine only having that around. I’m assuming from Helen’s sentiment that it’s the same in Germany? What is it with Europeans and carbonation?

Anyway. Helen decides to keep her ass hanging out as she leaves her room.


There are stacked crates of bottled mineral water (I guess that debunks my whole Germany-only-has-sparkling-water theory, unless this is just because it’s a hospital) near a visitor’s seating area, and Helen grabs three and then turns her back on the family sitting there.

I can hear that my rearview has created a stir among the family. Have a ball. I walk as quickly as I can to my protected cave.

She squeezes behind her bed to the windowsill where the avocado pits are hiding, and refills the glasses. She realizes that the water evaporates pretty fast in the window, and berates herself for not paying more attention.

She realizes that the room looks different from the corner, and shoves her bed out to hide behind it on the floor.

I feel the cold linoleum on my peach and ass cheeks.

Firstly, I forgot how much this book made me hate peaches. Secondly, I shouldn’t be surprised by the fact that she’s okay sitting her bare vagina on the hospital floor… but dude. No.

I feel between my legs with my hand. I stick two fingers in and use them like tweezers to pull out my homemade tampon. I put it on top of the shoulder high radiator.

Why? You could have thrown it in the garbage and made a new one later. You could have honestly kept it on the floor next to you, since you’re all about rubbing your bits on the floor. Why on top of the radiator? Why.

I take my middle finger and put the tip of the nail directly on my snail tail. I press on it with the edge of the nail. That must make an indentation.


My pussy immediately begins to drip with slime.

Every time she uses the word slime in reference to her vagina, I mentally gag. And that doesn’t often happen to me. I just can’t help but picture radioactive green goo.

You're welcome.

You’re welcome.


I spread the two fingers apart inside my pussy and make a twisting motion.

That just sounds uncomfortable.

Normally, as I get more and more into it I stick my pussy fingers in my ass. That’s not going to happen, though. The ass is fresh from surgery and already occupied by a plug.

I’m impressed that that is stopping you.

I move the pussy fingers inside me toward the back. It feels like a very thin dividing wall between pussy and ass. I can feel the plug. Even though I’m in the pussy. I know this feeling. But not from a plug, of course. From shit.

Did you need this again?

I’m so sorry. Here’s that kitten again.

It’s often lined up at the exit before it’s allowed to leave. And if you’re in the pussy you can feel the log of crap through the thin dividing wall. I wonder if men have ever felt one in me when we were hooking up?

You know, I’m often morbidly curious about gross things. I will try a lot of things that other people won’t. But this, I am not remotely curious about. Neither about feeling this by myself, or somebody else feeling it. Honestly. Dude. This is what Helen thinks about when she masturbates.

I also like to feel the sphincter work from my pussy. I tighten it, cinch my ass closed, and feel it from inside.

There’s a cow on the grass, hallelujah. Opens and closes its ass, hallelujah.

Is this seriously a saying or a song for German kids? Or did Helen just make this up herself? Between egg holes and cow asses…

Now I want to feel the front wall of my pussy. The back wall has been sufficiently investigated.

Why do you need to ‘investigate’ your innards, anyway? It’s glaringly obvious that you know every inch of space in there already.

Here the pussy feels like a washboard.

Also the term ‘pussy’ has lost all meaning from this paragraph.

Sorry, kitty.

Sorry, kitty.

When I press hard against it, it feels as if I’m going to piss all over my hand and I usually come immediately. When I come that way, a fluid often shoots out, too, like sperm.


I need both hands now. I rub my dewlaps really hard with both pointer fingers.

Seriously, with the dewlaps. I don’t know why that word is so gross to me.

Suddenly there’s water all over me. It’s ice cold. No way I can come now. I’ve knocked over one of the avocado glasses and the water’s spilled onto my head and run down my chest.

Saved by the avocado glass! Helen tries to rub herself back into action.

It’s just not going to work. I can’t even quietly give myself a handjob hidden under the bed in my own hospital room. Usually easiest task.

Sorry, Helen.

Just as she’s about to get up, there’s a knock and somebody walks into the room.

They keep catching me with my hand on my pussy.

[…]I can see feet and a handle with a big mop attached to the bottom of it. The cleaning woman is making her rounds.

That cleaning woman narrowly escaped having to clean up Helen’s squirt all over the hospital floor.

That’s it for this week, folks. If you’d like to read a masturbation scene that’s actually sexy, check out The Boss by Abigail Barnette.