My Husband Eats Weird Shit

Hi, internet. I have my husband’s blessing to do a post all about him. Or at least, his eating habits.

Pictured: Not my husband. Good lord.

Pictured: Not my husband. Good lord.

My husband is a pretty picky eater. He’s pretty good about trying things he hasn’t had before, mostly because I make him, but there’s a lot that he’s not comfortable eating. It’s generally a texture thing. Depending on how something feels in his mouth, he’ll be grossed out by comparing it to something else and not be able to enjoy it. I find this weird, because I can relate in the sense that some stuff does have a weird texture (like escargots) but it tastes good so I don’t care.

I love food too much to discriminate by texture. My mom can’t eat hard cheese because the texture is like nails on a chalkboard to her. This makes me weep inside, because cheese is so fucking delicious. I’m salivating just imagining biting into a wedge of smoked gouda right now. Yummay.

Generally picky eaters don’t like certain flavours, and prefer bland foods. This is not the case with my husband. He likes a lot of weird stuff that most picky people don’t, because it’s about texture, not flavour. He likes anchovies and radishes and garlic and strong tasting things that most people find offensive. Which is great, because I don’t think I could have married a man that doesn’t like anchovies. Pizza is just naked without them.

Of course, this leads to some weird combinations which leave me going WHY?! Why do you eat that in that way? Even though I am the opposite of picky. I am a foodie, and I love all food in some shape or form. The list of tastes I don’t like is very, very short, and is usually tied to the fact that I don’t like super spicy food. Or at least, I like the flavour, I just hate the melting of my face.

The one thing that I absolutely hate, and I won’t even give it the honour of being called food, because it’s mostly chemicals, is ketchup. I abhor ketchup. It is a ruiner condiment.

My husband, of course, LOVES it. On everything. I’m gagging just thinking about it.

I kind of get it on hot dogs. Or a breakfast sandwich. Or, I don’t know, somewhere where a tomato slice would kind of belong. Even though it’s really just sugar paste and nowhere near the land of tomatoes anymore.

But on perogies? Delicious golden pan fried perogies stuffed with bacon and potato and covered in garlic and onion? WHY KETCHUP?

Can’t forget the fan favourite Kraft Dinner (which I am not a huge fan of to begin with) swamped with red goo. WHY KETCHUP? It makes it look and taste like vomit.

Or fish? The other day we had cod in the oven, baked to perfection with lemon and parsley and a sprinkling of sea salt and freshly ground pepper. WHY KETCHUP?

I had a conversation with one of my friends not too long ago about this, because her husband puts ketchup on everything too. And her gripe was that she didn’t see the point in marinating or seasoning anything she makes because her guy just smothers everything in ketchup. WHY?

Maybe should have titled this post KETCHUP SUCKS.

Maybe should have titled this post KETCHUP SUCKS.

Also, let’s talk about cottage cheese. I love cottage cheese. It’s often hated by people because it’s chunky and weird, and I probably don’t want to know how it’s made, but it’s delicious. With fruit. I mean I’ll eat a spoonful of it by itself, but I like to have it with peaches or canned fruit salad in a bowl. It’s a healthy sweet treat that is best enjoyed in the heat of summer when you need a cold snack.

My husband eats cottage cheese with salt and pepper. And that’s it. I can’t even.

I do this think where I take a can of ham flakes and mix it with mayonnaise and little chunks of dill pickles to make a spread for crackers or sandwiches. It’s delightful, tangy, and tastes like pig. I once sent one to work with hubby and he loved it, except he said it would be even better with mustard. Look, I love mustard as much as the next guy, but dude. No.

Sometimes he eats stuff that I know would taste good, but it’s just a really odd way to eat it. One of his favourite snacks is peanut butter and honey. I love these two things together on a sandwich. But he’ll just put a dollop of peanut butter on a plate with a glob of honey, mix it together with a spoon until it resembles baby shit and then eat it. DUDE.

Soy sauce. I like soy sauce. In stuff. Hubby treats soy sauce like rice is the condiment for it.

If I put onions or peppers in something, they have to be cooked until mush and so small you can no longer see them.

And he likes to straight up steal semi-sweet chocolate chips out of the pantry.

But I’m totally weird for liking peanut butter and bacon sandwiches. ^_^’ Don’t knock it til you try it, bitches!

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