The Pursuit of Happiness

So I frequent this site, Topless Robot, because it’s an awesome hub of nerdiness. My favourite part, however, was this section called Fan Fiction Friday, in which the amazing Rob Bricken would tear apart hilariously insane erotic fan fiction. Every Friday was a new adventure into the depraved minds of humanity and their weird fetishes and horrible grammar. Wonderful, wonderful joy.
Anyway, FFF is no longer around because Rob has moved over to io9, a news hub where he writes witty and entertaining articles. They tried to move FFF over there, but it was recieved terribly and unfortunately, cancelled. :( The old FFF archives are still available at Topless Robot, and I happened to be scrolling through while I was on the exercise bike at the gym. Because working out is boring as hell and I needed something to read.
I came across one of my very favourites, Garfield: Royal Rescue, in which Garfield saves Kate Middleton from the evil Prince William. Honestly. I ended up finding my way over to the author’s page on fanfiction.net, ShakespeareHemmingway, and noticed he had twenty stories about Garfield’s adventures. They made me die with laughter. So I’ve decided to share one of my favourites with you.
So, without further ado, a little tribute to TR, FFF, and Mr. Rob Bricken:

Garfield: First Blood Part II: The Legend of the Warrior of the Forever Fist

In Part One, Garfield saves Natalie Portman from a gang of vampires.

It was a bright morning full of rain and sun when Natalie Portman was doing her acting.
“These are my words and my motions are full of emotion.” Said Natalie Portman with acting.
“Excellence! This is Oscar winning performance!” Said the director with compliments.
“Thank you I am four star actress.” Said Natalie Portman with thanks.

IMHO, Natalie Portman is like a twenty star actress.

Then all of a sudden out of mist Ashton Kutcher appeared with sinister plans.
“Haha Natalie Portman you will star in me with movies and be forever mine! Then I will have immortality!” Cackled Ashton Kutcher with evil.

Does that work?

“No Ashton Kutcher I will not give in to your evil.” Cried out Natalie Portman in defiance.
“Haha You have no say in this! You are my prisoner! Behold force field!” Said Ashton Kutcher as he summoned a force field prison to capture Natalie Portman.
“Now to my studio lair where we will star in movies together!” Declared Ashton Kutcher with evil as he left with imprisoned Natalie Portman.

Did anyone else think of Aqua Teen when he said ‘behold’? Just me? Ok.

Meanwhile Garfield was riding alone on all American highway on his Custom Harley Davidson motorcycle rockin out to DIO turned up to maximum volume.
“Time to train the muscles.” Said Garfield as he pulled into a gym for training.
Garfield went to the punching bag for punching practice. It was punching bag made of diamond and steel so it can take his super punches which are like force of nature.

YES.

“I am fist. Mighty with speed.” Garfield said as he punched the punching bag.
As Garfield practiced his punches news reports came on the TV.
“This just in. Ashton Kutcher has tweeted he has kidnapped Natalie Portman for evil movies. If only a hero was man enough to save her.” Said the news man with reporting.

He tweeted that? Fuck yes he did. Said I with fuck-yesing.

“INDIGNITIES.” Roared Garfield as he punched the punching bag in half with ease at the anger of the reporting.
Garfield waltzed out of gym in quest to rescue Natalie Portman with his manly power. Outside of gym Garfield was confronted with thugs.
“Haha Garfield we were sent by Ashton Kutcher to be putting stop to you. Now is the time for endings!” Said the thugs with arrogant laughs.
“The only thing being stopped is your life! Eat fist!” Roared Garfield with anger.

I’m totally picturing Duke Nukem as Garfield. For the record.

The thugs then attacked Garfield with foolishness. One thug swung a chain at him the other hit him with a baseball bat, but it was no use. They bounced off Garfields muscles like rubber ball on a donkey.
“WHAT?” Cried out the thugs in shocking disbelief.

That’s what I was thinking.

“My turn miscreants.” Said Garfield has he lifted one thug above his head.
“Time to make a wish.” Said Garfield as he snapped the thug in two.
After the thug snapping, Garfield turned to other thug with vengeance.
“Garfield please spare my life I am poor starving man.” Said the thug with begging.
“Starve on my fist.” Said Garfield as he punched the thugs stomach out.

Ahhahahaha YES!

Garfield then hopped on his Custom Harley Davidson motorcycle and revved the engines to rescue the Natalie Portman.
“Ashton Kutcher I hope your heart is in good health because I am going to rip it out of your chest.” Garfield said as he put his shades on and rode off for rescue.
As Garfield rode, a Tractor Trailer truck filled with lasagna drove beside him.

Of course it did.

“Lasagna feed my body and soul. Give me strength to rescue ladies in danger.” Garfield said as he looked to the truck.
Lasagna burst out of truck to feed Garfield and entered his mouth for eating, filling Garfields muscular body with power and energy.
“Thank you Lasagna you are now part of me.” Garfield said with gratitude to lasagna.

Is this like some kind of metaphor for Catholicism? Nah, probably not.

In the distance Garfield spotted trouble. It was a tank filled with vile minions of Ashton Kutcher.
“Behold Garfield our beast of iron and metal. You ride ends here Garfield for we are righteous.” Said the tank commander with taunts.
At villains petty taunts Garfield laughed with scoffing. He turned on his DIO beyond maximum volume and glared at foolish tank with fiery eyes.
“Rust in peace, iron beast.” Garfield said to the tank as he rode right through the tank at laser speed splitting it in half.

Gentlemen, behold! Happiness!

Meanwhile in Ashton Kutchers demon lair evil was brewing in hearts of men. Ashton Kutcher was sitting on his throne dressed like wicked sultan while Natalie Portman was chained to the wall.
“Haha Natalie Portman you are mine on this midnight hour. All of your hope should be abandoned for I am your new master!” Cackled Ashton Kutcher with evil.
“No Garfield will save me for he is true hero of man.” Natalie Portman said with hope.
“Hoho not even Garfields manliness can save you now. We will star in movies and makes eons of money.” Declared Ashton Kutcher with maniac laughing.
“Garfield please come I need you.” Natalie Portman said with longing.

You know, I can’t help but feel like I would be totally cool with Ashton Kutcher chaining me to a wall. Just me? Ok.

Meanwhile Garfield was riding the lonely road of the hero with hair blowing through wind like wet lasagna in a fan. In the distance Garfield saw Ashton Kutchers palace of pain and evil. It was on Island surrounded by lava and crocodiles. There seemed no way but Garfield never gives up never surrenders.
“Time to do the sky bird.” Garfield declared as he pulled out his lasagna glider and glided to island of Ashton Kutcher.

Lasagna glider for the win!

Garfield crashed into room full of Ashton Kutchers loyal guards who would fight in his name to the deaths, but Garfield was not afraid.
“I heard there was party so I stopped by. Do not worry I am polite guest here are some presents.” Quipped Garfield a she took out his Desert Eagles and fired at guard scum.

There aren’t enough words to express my joy at this.

“My goody bag will be your beating heart Ashton Kutcher!” Garfield shouted with adrenaline pumping.
Garfield searched Ashton Kutchers palace mowing down guards wherever he saw with no mercy. He then came upon doors to Ashton Kutchers throne room but it was sealed with evil power and locks. But Garfield blew it open with ease like big bad wolf blowing down straw houses.

Without any huffing and puffing?

“I am here for the Natalie Portman and for your head on stick.” Garfield roared upon entering Ashton Kutchers throne room.
Inside room Garfield saw Natalie Portman chained in imprisonment and Ashton Kutcher sitting on throne.
“Haha Garfield I have been waiting for you. Not even you can be stopping me now.” Ashton Kutcher cackled with evil.
“Silence you sultan of sin. Your time is ending near!” Garfield responded with angry vocals.
“Garfield I had enough of your words. Time for fiery doom! Meet the dragon!” Ashton Kutcher said as he whistled for his dragon. At Ashton Kutchers whistling a four headed dragon appeared with fire breathing and roars.
“Enjoy your just deserts!” Ashton Kutcher cackled as he fled like little girl.

Lmfaooooooooooooooo…..

“Haha Garfield! I am hoping you brought your bib because I am going to be smoking you like a ham!” Growled the evil four headed dragon.
“I have no time for dragon distraction.” Fumed Garfield with frustration.

Dragon Distraction would be a killer band name.

All hope seemed to be in fire but then familiar voice was heard by all.
“AMAKOOOOO.”
It was Jon Arbuckle flying in on jet pack rearing for fighting!
“Do not worry I will take care of this lizard you must go after Ashton Kutcher.” Said Jon Arbuckle with support.
“Thank you Jon Arbuckle you are my jet pack backup.” Garfield said with gratitude.

Jet Pack Backup… nah, that’s not that good.

Garfield went after Ashton Kutcher as Jon Arbuckle battled dragon with mystic blade.
“Ok dragon boy let’s do this.” Jon Arbuckle said as he drew his mystic katana.

Jon should totally have a katana in the comic.

Meanwhile Garfield was chasing down Ashton Kutcher with justice on mind and in fist. He finally cornered Ashton Kutcher against wall.
“You are at the end of your highway and it is time to pay the toll man.” Said Garfield with eyes glaring.

The quick wit in this story is right up there with the Expendables 2. Which, for the record, also gave me joygasms.

“Haha Garfield it is too late. Natalie Portman soul is mine and my life will be immortal!” Ashton Kutcher declared with vile grin.
“Fool your life is short, but my fist is FOREVER.” Garfield roared as he charged inner power to max and sent fists flying at Ashton Kutcher at earthquake speed making him supernova.

Yes. YES.

“NOOOO.” Cried out Ashton Kutcher as he supernovad.
“Your career just exploded.” Quipped Garfield with cleverness.

Ahhahahahaha!

“Thank you Garfield you saved me again.” Thanked Natalie Portman with joyful words.
“No problem honeybabes. I can not stand seeing ladies kidnapped.” Garfield said as he helped Natalie Portman up.
“Good work Garfield. You saved day again.” Said approaching voice. It was Jon Arbuckle! He was holding dragons heads in his hands.
“Yes Jon Arbuckle I think it is time for celebration.” Said Garfield in response.
“Yes Garfield we should perform our hit new song for Natalie Portmans music enjoyment.” Jon Arbuckle suggested with good ideas as he took out his electric guitar for jamming.

Of course you should.

“Yes here is our new song “Lover and Fighter Man.” From album of same name. Old people with diseases should beware of dangerous rocking.” Said Garfield as he took out his mic ready for rocking.

I am so using that at my next gig.

Jon Arbuckle began powerful chords of playing while Garfield began to sing with mighty rocking voice:
“I am real man hard like steel
Always hungry for lasagna meal
Busting heads winning every fight
Need to see you naked tonight
I am a Lover and Fighter man
Not a loser and crier man
Baby, Bake me egg in a friar pan
Because I am a lover and fighter man
Every day I am punching and kicking
When I come home I want you for licking
Stupid thugs their heads I crack
But you I want to rub my back
I am a Lover and Fighter Man
Not a loser and crier man
I want to spank you until you tan
Because I am a lover and fighter man”
Jon Arbuckle then began shredding like madman with guitar solo.

Can somebody please cover this? Pretty please with a cherry on top?

“AMAKOOOOOOO.” Shouted Jon Arbuckle as flames and lightning burst out of his guitar. After amazing guitar solo Garfield began to sing again:
“I am the champ in the ring
In the bedroom I am king
Bashing villains until they groan
Loving ladies until they moan
I am a lover and fighter man
Not a loser and Crier man
I will make you fly like Peter Pan
Because I am a lover and fighter man”
Natalie Portman screamed and clapped in excitement at the rocking concert. She ran to Garfield with love in her eyes.
“Garfield you are rock star stud muffin. But now I want you to play me like an electric guitar and make me wail.” Natalie Portman said with desire.

See, all musicians are sexy. Even if they’re cats, they can still fuck Natalie Portman.

“Sure thing sugarbites. I have a concert in my pants and you have first row tickets.” Garfield said with flirty words.

WIN.

“Let us go on stage and make music.” Said Natalie Portman as she led Garfield to her bedroom.
Garfield and Natalie Portman went on her bed and embraced for love makings. They rubbed eachother with oil and perfume and touched eachother all over. Their bodies then joined like peanut butter and jelly and created delicious loving all night long.
The End..?
Authors Note: Congratulations to Natalie Portman for her pregnancies! Please beware and do not let Ashton Kutcher kidnap your babies. Also I am still single so it is still ok if you would like to date me.

I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Your welcome, and excuse me. ;)

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