The 5 Most Gargantuan Cocks in Hollywood (Allegedly)

Everyone gets curious about the size of other people’s junk. Which is what prompts googling Hollywood’s biggest shlongs over dinner. Because I do stuff like that.

Of course there are many different lists, but many of the same actors kept popping up. So I just picked five that I thought would be the most fun to talk about. Because girls love talking about dicks. Honestly, for the dudes reading this, all of your girlfriend’s girlfriends know every detail about your wang.

Disco Stick #5: Ewan McGregor

This one may surprise some of you that are into chick flicks. For some reason sensitive dudes stereotypically have small wieners. Ewan McGregor has been a sweet and lovable romantic hero in many a girly adventure. He serenaded Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge, was Jim Carrey’s love muffin in I Love You Philip Morris, and got to take Scarlett Johannson’s virginity in The Island.

But honestly, there’s a reason that I knew deep down that Ewan McGregor belonged on this list for a generous helping of tubesteak.

  

He’s Obi-Wan Fucking Kenobi.

Third Leg #4: Bruce Willis
Ah, Bruce. You’ve got to love him even when he’s the bad guy. Young John McClane with his one-liners in Die Hard, saving the universe (while banging Milla Jovovich) as Korben Dallas in The Fifth Element, and making us cry as Liv Tyler’s crass but lovable father in Armageddon. He’s an action legend, badass and sexy in his own unique way.

Bald just works on some dudes. Especially those we know are packin’.
Longfellow #3: Kiefer Sutherland
Chuck Norris wears Jack Bauer pyjamas. If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called ‘1’. Someone once told Jack Bauer a knock-knock joke. He found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was. When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught three bullets in his chest and used them to reload. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack found it and put it back. Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Sorry I honestly just spent an hour and a half reading these. Good GOD I have tears running down my face I’ve been laughing so hard. Seriously, though.
This man is going to kill you. With his enormous rod.
Schwartz #2: Liam Neeson
I honestly didn’t really know Liam Neeson until I saw Taken. And then, all of a sudden, I was on the edge of my seat rooting for this extremely sexy DILF battling his way across the world to save his daughter. Just, wow.

Okay, he was Qui-Gon, which was awesome, but of course with Jar-Jar making my ears bleed it was difficult to pay attention. *Important Note: I will admit that Jar-Jar is one of the absolute cutest aliens in the existence of CG aliens. He just needed to not talk. Ever.

Liam was also pretty badass as the villain in Batman Begins, but I honestly didn’t even remember that until I re watched the movie a few weeks ago.

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.” /moment that every woman on the planet suddenly wanted to fuck the shit out of Liam Neeson.

Heat Seeking Moisture-Missile #1: Patrick Stewart

Now. We have covered the fact that I am a huge nerd. That would not be complete without an inexplicable love for Patrick Stewart. Okay, it’s totally explicable.

He’s fucking Jean-Luc Picard. The best StarFleet Captain ever. There is no escaping this.

Also this:

Even if you’re not a Trekkie (apparently it’s TrekKER now, which I personally think sounds gay, thus I refuse to use it), you can’t deny Professor X. Patrick Stewart is the most badass motherfucker in the valley. And apparently he has a ginormous ankle-spanker. Professor X may be in a wheelchair, but I bet as a telekinetic he can do all kinds of wonderful things with his drum stick.

There are so many synonyms for penis on the internet. Honorable mention: Purple headed yogurt flinger. Ew.

Advertisements
Standard

Palaver!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s